We used to argue all the time with my mum. It is often the case in a close mother/daughter relationship. My mum had a big temper, and I couldn’t stop and learn not to provoke her unnecessary. She would jump, put her fists into the air, grab her keys and say that she wouldn’t come back. Ever.
Five minutes later she was always back at the door of my house.
I did the same to her. I once drove all the way from Brussels to where she and my step-dad lived in the Netherlands at that time, spending more than two hours on the highway, to have an explosive argument over nothing, grab my keys and drive all the way back to Brussels, so ‘offended’ I was. I wish I could remember what we argued about, but my memory escapes me. It was never serious, just explosive for a short amount of time.
I went to sleep when I came back to Brussels, in my student room, and an hour later my mum called me and asked me to come back. And I did. I just drove all the way back to spend my weekend with her and my step-dad, an amazing man who always told me:
‘’You and your mum argue a lot, but you can’t exist without each other’.
I wish he was here now, to help me to find a way in life without her. It is indeed impossible to exist without her. And yet, I have no choice, I have to.
I distracted my son and myself by going to two different countries during our summer holidays, but now, that we are back I am facing the impossible. I have to accept that she is no longer here.
We had nicknames for each other, burrowed from her two hamsters she had when she was a child.
I was ‘tepa’ and she was ‘tiapa’, and we used the nicknames all the time, as we deeply loved each other.
Despite the arguments, we couldn’t exist without each other. We called each other every day, several times a day, even when we lived in the same town. I am glad now that I shared good eleven years near her, in Sheffield. She was a great friend, and a big helper. She helped me a lot, in all spheres, including helping me to raise my son. My friends were her friends, and her friends were my friends. We always went out together, except when I was on a date.
My amazing, kind, gentle, clever mother passed away, and now I can only cry and regret. I regret the arguments, I blame myself for having them, I am upset that I didn’t stay with her all the way when she was in the hospital, returning briefly here for my work, before rushing back to her. I regret that I didn’t say enough how much I really loved her, and that she was the best mum in the entire world.
How do I move from this on?
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