Ekaterina Netchitailova

Echoes of a Multilingual Mind

Stigma and bipolar disorder

Tell us about a time when you felt out of place.

I feel out of place quite often. I have a bipolar disorder (I experienced psychoses), something that I don’t hide, and therefore, I often feel like an imposter in the society as a whole.

The most difficult moment was after my last psychosis over a year ago, when, after a brief ‘rest’ (I was in a psychiatric hospital) I started to integrate back into my work.

I am a lecturer and the shame to return to the ‘office’ was enormous. I thought I would never make it back, so guilty I felt by having plunged into a brief moment of madness.

All my colleagues knew that I had thought I was Jesus, and with this delusion of grandeur gone, it felt like I had disappointed people.

Can she even work as a lecturer with such mental health issues? This was the question hanging over my head.

But in life I strongly believe in the mantra that even from total failure you can still get up and keep going. Everyday there is a chance: to become a better person, a better parent, a better partner, and a better teacher. The universe provides us with enormous opportunities and we just need to follow the signs. We need to listen!

It’s unbelievable that I managed to reintegrate back into the society many times, but I always succeeded because I love living, I love working and I derive small pleasures from life, such as nice coffee in the morning, simple lunch, a nap when it’s possible, having my daily walk, reading a good book.

These pleasures of life are denied, unfortunately, if you are heavily medicated by psychiatric drugs, and therefore for all of us: bipolar, schizophrenic or heavily depressed, life isn’t easy. In fact, it is the toughest life possible.

Stigma makes it so that we feel always guilty of having a ‘mental illness diagnosis’. I always had to work harder to prove my place within the society. I also had to fight to get my medication right, so that I could work, socialise and take an active role in our world. I write about my bipolar disorder so that others can also start hoping that beautiful life is still possible, regardless of the disorder.

I feel often out of place, but I keep on going.

And while the society might give up on me, I will never give up on the society myself.

I love living and I love humanity.

Never give up on life
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Ekaterina Netchitailova's avatar

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Ekaterina Netchitailova

I am a Doctor of philosophy, a university lecturer, writer, and a lover of cats, fine wine, books, theatre, and human eccentricity. Despite my last name ‘Netchitailova’ which means ‘unreadable’ in Russian, my greatest passions in life are reading and writing.

13 responses to “Stigma and bipolar disorder”

  1. Sean slowly Avatar
    Sean slowly

    Good one 🙂

    I too have bipolar, yet am a lowly window cleaner.

    Also I have had psychosis – it’s not easy to reintegrate.

    I’ve had several breakdowns –

    Good on you for not giving up.

    Reply
    1. Ekaterina Avatar
      Ekaterina

      Yes, not easy to reintegrate! Very, very difficult!

      Reply
      1. Sean slowly Avatar
        Sean slowly

        It’s probably easier for me –
        There is little expectation in being a widow cleaner.

        I’d guess that these are a few more anxieties and stressors at uni

  2. Mike Avatar
    Mike

    I try mental ‘tricks’ to keep ahead of depression returning to pull me down. One I call ‘flying under the radar without a co-pilot’ since when I ‘pop up’ to engage (or speak in some business meeting/happening) I’m too often misunderstood, vilified, dragged into being a teacher (actually a better term is ‘explainer’) which is exhausting. So… I try to ‘stay 3 steps ahead’ because I too often am dragged backwards. If I give up things just get worse. This happens on the hamster wheel of life we all seem to be on. Fortunately I’m retired from paid work now so have the pleasure of choosing my encounters.

    Reply
    1. Ekaterina Avatar
      Ekaterina

      You have now the freedom indeed!

      Reply
    2. Irisa Thomas Avatar
      Irisa Thomas

      I should have read your comment before posting mine, it seems we are in very similar situations!

      Reply
  3. Irisa Thomas Avatar
    Irisa Thomas

    I, too, have a bipolar and also an anxiety disorder. I work in a hectic, chaotic atmosphere as a cashier. Despite being on many meds for my condition, I have began to have manic episodes while dealing with the customers. I feel hyper, shakey, dizzy, irritable and talk too loudly. I’ve even overheard other co-workers talking about how loud I speak. I also do things that make me appear silly and wrong. I am afraid to reveal my mental illnesses at work, so I just let my co-workers think I am just weird. Fortunately, I have figured out how to afford to retire from working, hopefully this will settle down most of my manic and anxiety attacks, without my psychiatrist having to change my meds…again…

    Reply
    1. Ekaterina Avatar
      Ekaterina

      Hi Irisa,
      Thank you so much for your comment and for reading.
      Yes, changing the meds is a nightmare. Living with bipolar disorder isn’t easy!

      Reply
  4. Mike Avatar
    Mike

    During my last routine medical appointment my doctor asked if I needed a ‘mood stabilizer’. I answered ‘no’. He kept this up with personal questions about my activities. I passed his drug testing, proving I only take what is prescribed. Finally, after this back-and forth talk, I asked him to pick any psychologist he wanted and I would go for an evaluation in order to prove I am ‘alright’ without chemical enhancements so these questions would stop wasting his and my time. My medical record… which follows everywhere now… is no benefit to me if it says ‘ex-crazy person refusing meds’. The testing was last year. Turns out I’m normal and need no ‘adjustments’, no ‘follow-up testing’ or drugs of any kind. Great! I asked them to send a letter to that effect to my primary care doctor. I then asked my primary care doctor if he received it, and put it in my file. He just mumbled like a spoiled child who was being corrected. He went to work somewhere else now, so now I need another primary care doctor since I’m dropped by that place of business. To answer your question – I changed my mind about asking for my medical records. If anyone asks I will tell them to mind their own god damn business and stay concerned with my blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, pre-diabetic weight problems, and other age specific issues like any good doctor should for a good patient like me. I anticipate more push-back from all this so will remain calm. Welcome to 2023 Mike, you are now talking to yourself in type. I do that, so what?

    Reply
    1. Ekaterina Avatar
      Ekaterina

      Ah, you made me laugh! I would also love this ‘bipolar’ thing to be cut from my records, but while it’s there, I need to analyse it. It’s a wrong diagnosis, not sure there should be any. But yeah, ‘psychotic’ more than once and you get a label.

      Reply
  5. lecox Avatar
    lecox

    I feel this sometimes, as I am the only Scientologist among many who are not and don’t want to learn anything about it.

    However, I have enough training along this line to put up with it. I assert my knowledge anyway.

    Reply
  6. Ella Avatar
    Ella

    I was hospitalized for psychosis last year. Shortly after that I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder. I can’t say it was much of a surprise, my Dad was diagnosed in his 20s, my Grandmother also lived with the illness. I felt the shame, I feel the guilt, what I put/am putting my Mom and partner through. I was terrified of going back to work. Do I tell my manager what happened? Do I owe her an explanation for my bizarre behaviour? This is hard. Navigating this illness is hard. I hope it gets easier with time.

    Reply
    1. Ekaterina Avatar
      Ekaterina

      It gets easier with time!
      Thank you so much for reading!
      Don’t despair Ella, life can still be very beautiful with a bipolar disorder. Absolutely

      Reply

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About Me

I am a doctor of philosophy, a university lecturer, and a lover of cats, fine wine, dancing, theatre, and human eccentricity. I was born in the Soviet Union (Moscow). I am fluent in four languages, and have spent all my adult life studying (except from 18 to 19) working and living throughout Western Europe. Despite a surname-Netchitailova- that translates from Russian into English as “unreadable”, my greatest passions in life are reading and writing. My personal struggles have made me appreciate the manifestations of weirdness that exist everywhere.

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