Ekaterina Netchitailova

Echoes of a Multilingual Mind

When you are bipolar

How are you feeling right now?

In all honesty I feel pretty bad today.

For those who don’t know, I have bipolar disorder. I don’t have mood swings but I am vulnerable to psychoses. I have a few behind me, and hopefully, despite the euphoria I experience while being in that state of ‘magic’, I pray my psychoses won’t return in the near future.

I lost on a few things because of my mental health, and mostly in the field of relationships. I rejected a fantastic guy two years ago, because I had nothing to offer, I thought. I was put on terrible antipsychotic injections, my beloved stepdad died, and I was feeling as a zombie when I met him for coffee.

“What prevents you from being with me?” He asked. And instead of presenting him the actual facts, such as me feeling awful on my medication, being in grief for my stepdad, wanting to die, being totally unhappy, etc etc, I just shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want to admit how weak I was in reality.

He thought I rejected him, or maybe he decided that he didn’t want to deal with my vulnerability to psychoses. He didn’t wait for me to start feeling better. He found someone else quite soon after our last meeting.

Was it real love?

I don’t know. But today I feel unhappy. I blame my mental health and I blame my lack of confidence.

But as usual, I hold on to faith. Who knows, maybe love, true love, will come into my life and soon?

Is my angel helping me?
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Ekaterina Netchitailova's avatar

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Ekaterina Netchitailova

I am a Doctor of philosophy, a university lecturer, writer, and a lover of cats, fine wine, books, theatre, and human eccentricity. Despite my last name ‘Netchitailova’ which means ‘unreadable’ in Russian, my greatest passions in life are reading and writing.

8 responses to “When you are bipolar”

  1. Mike Avatar
    Mike

    If he read your writing should he have not asked that question?

    Questions which have so many answers are ‘probing’ or ‘asking for dialogue’ which often just add to confusion in my case. I avoid the ‘chit chat’ and remain silent. Why? I do not need to expend my energy in a verbal battle with someone who just talks with shallow thinking, as reflected in their dialog.

    Hope this makes sense in some way. Often I get lost in my own circular thinking on certain topics/discussions so people think I’m something I am not. Confusing.

    I believe it is the ‘fight, flight, freeze’ response hard wired into humans.

    Hope you have a better weekend ahead!

    Reply
    1. Ekaterina Avatar
      Ekaterina

      Thanks for such an illuminating answer! Yes, you are right. My problems were known at that time.

      Reply
  2. Mike Avatar
    Mike

    Today I am feeling happy because I am preparing for a 4 day camping trip with my son. First time this year we went during the 4th of July holiday. This is trip number two, again for 4 days. Rustic camping in a forest near a river this time. Fewer amenities than the last trip, so it will be ‘back to nature’ for me… no computers, spotty cell phone service (perhaps), no swimming pool, no flush toilets, no electricity, rustic cooking by campfire. I’m sure you get that picture. Anything could happen. That’s where the ‘fun-factor’ comes into play.

    Reply
    1. Ekaterina Avatar
      Ekaterina

      Ah, and where will you go camping? Which area? Wow, near a river, in a forest! Sounds amazing!

      Reply
      1. Mike Avatar
        Mike

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newaygo_County,_Michigan
        My oldest son made reservations at a rustic campground he chose. I’m driving because I have a larger vehicle (still a car) so there are choices we will make when we get there. The last campground we stayed at this year had rules for campers’ behaviors. This time it will be only the local and state laws applying. I have friends nearby living on the BIG lake, Lake Michigan, so if things get too out of control I will leave him and visit my friends! Lol… I told him this and he thinks I’m kidding. I’m not.

      2. Ekaterina Avatar
        Ekaterina

        Ha ha ha! Hopefully, everything will go fine!

  3. lecox Avatar
    lecox

    I hate these psychology diagnoses and how they have infiltrated popular culture to such an extent that people think they are real!

    I think your best option is to reject all such diagnoses and see if you can tell for yourself what is going on with you. Then you can move forward to decide if you want to understand that even better, or try your hand at simply building up you mental and emotional strength so that the bad reactions are less likely to happen.

    Finding a good person to live with can be so difficult. But there is no substitute for becoming more aware of oneself and others. You can train yourself to become more confident so that you know which people to ask and which ones to reject.

    Reply
    1. Ekaterina Avatar
      Ekaterina

      Unfortunately, these psychiatric diagnoses damage one’s person confidence. I have a different view on all that and use the labels only so that people understand what I am talking about.

      Reply

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About Me

I am a doctor of philosophy, a university lecturer, and a lover of cats, fine wine, dancing, theatre, and human eccentricity. I was born in the Soviet Union (Moscow). I am fluent in four languages, and have spent all my adult life studying (except from 18 to 19) working and living throughout Western Europe. Despite a surname-Netchitailova- that translates from Russian into English as “unreadable”, my greatest passions in life are reading and writing. My personal struggles have made me appreciate the manifestations of weirdness that exist everywhere.

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