I never expected a psychiatric hospital’s living room to introduce me to Robbie Williams, but his music became a lifeline through my mental health chaos, thanks to my admission into a psychiatric hospital in Amsterdam when I experienced what is usually known as ‘psychosis’.
I remember my first encounter with Robbie Williams as if it took place yesterday.
It was in 2003 that I became an unfortunate psychiatric patient in a closed psychiatric unit. Doctors diagnosed me with psychosis, full of delusions and insane. On my declaration that I was Buddha, the psychiatrist answered that I was mad and most probably, schizophrenic.
And so, on that morning, in the autumn of 2003, – I remember all that in great detail – I was sitting on the couch and doing nothing, which was new for me. I worked as a financial analyst of banks then and as a portfolio manager, and I used to be very busy, extremely busy in fact. I would show up at my work around seven o’clock in the morning, and be the last to leave around eight o’clock in the evening. Instead of going home to relax, I would run to one of the classes at my gym, to such an extent that when once someone checked my heartbeat, it was as if I was an athlete, a professional woman in sport.
Twice a week I would go to my boss’s house to practice my Dutch with his wife around five in the morning.
I was more than busy, I was overwhelmed.
Without much to do I turned the music channel on the TV in the living room of my unit and there he was, Robbie Williams, singing Feel, which became my most cherished song ever. I could definitely identify with the song’s lyrics: ‘’I sit and talk to God and he just laughs at my plans. My head speaks a language I don’t understand.’’ I didn’t hear any voices then, but I was more attuned to the world around me. I felt like never before: happy, confident and content. The problem was that somehow it was considered to be a mental illness, and therefore, I was a bit confused about what was happening to me exactly.
The music channel dedicated a whole hour to Robbie Williams then, and I couldn’t take my eyes off the guy. Robbie Williams, let’s state the obvious – is extremely good-looking, but there was more to it. It was like hearing through his songs something bigger. The lyrics, the rhythm, and how Robbie Williams was singing, in his deep and sincere voice. There was someone, who, based on the lyrics, didn’t have an easy life and I was intrigued. The song Feel did something to me, as if healing me gently, a nice surprise when the psychiatric establishment was labelling me for daring to have reached the enlightenment.
Later when I was released from the hospital I sought solace in his music.
I bought all CDs of Robbie, and would listen to them non-stop. I loved the music and I loved what it was doing to me: it was making me feel much better about myself. I wasn’t the only one weird, there were more people like me.
But as Robbie Williams has been proving over and over again, a psychiatric diagnosis isn’t a verdict. One can re-build his/her life from scratch, even under the most unfortunate circumstances. Robbie Williams did it, and so did I.
Do you have a song that resonated deeply with you and provided some healing? If so, then, please, share! let’s build a playlist of hope!
Personally I believe that music can heal, provided it is in the hands of wonderful, kind people, such as Robbie Williams. His song ‘Angels’ is played at the majority of weddings and funerals across the UK, because it appeals to our common humanity.
‘When I’m feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
And I know I’ll always be blessed with love’’, Robbie sings, which touches on our feeling of hope, under the most unfortunate circumstances. Including when you are doubting yourself due to a psychiatric diagnosis, stigmatised to the point of despair.
Agree?
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